In the grand tapestry of geologic time, the Wasatch Range is a relatively young creation, formed millions of years ago when the forces of plate tectonics lifted the mountains from the floor of the Cretaceous Seaway, a vast inland sea that once spanned much of North America. As the land shifted and rose, what was once a shallow marine environment became a towering range of mountains that now rise above the valleys of northern Utah. To walk through this range is to step back into time, touching the remnants of an era when dinosaurs roamed these lands, and primordial lakes shimmered in the sunlight.

Today, as humans, we are privileged to explore these mountain trails, witnessing the beauty of creation in its most elemental form. It’s not just rock and soil beneath our feet, but the accumulated artistry of nature over eons—crafted by forces far beyond our control, yet generously shared with us.

One of the most enchanting ways to experience this ancient landscape is through the Stevens Cascade Trail #056, a beautiful hike nestled in the heart of the Wasatch Range, near Sundance, Utah.

The Path Through a Living Tapestry

The Stevens Cascade Trail winds through the dense forests and open meadows of the Wasatch Range, showcasing an array of tree species that thrive in this alpine environment. Towering Douglas fir, blue spruce, and quaking aspen create a canopy of green, offering both shade and beauty to hikers. In the spring and summer months, wildflowers such as Indian paintbrush, lupine, and columbine bloom in vibrant colors, carpeting the meadows and contrasting with the rugged mountain backdrop.

As you walk the trail, you are surrounded by the hum of life. The melodic song of birds, the soft rustle of leaves in the wind, and the occasional sight of a deer or moose grazing quietly remind you that this is not just a place for humans, but a sanctuary for wildlife. The Wasatch Range is home to a variety making every hike a true wilderness experience.

The Waterfall: Stevens Cascade

One of the trail’s most captivating features is the Stevens Cascade, a waterfall that tumbles gracefully down a series of rocky ledges, creating a peaceful, almost meditative atmosphere. The sound of the rushing water, combined with the sight of it glistening in the sunlight, is enough to leave you mesmerized. This waterfall, fed by snowmelt from the peaks above, serves as a reminder of the vital role water plays in this ecosystem. It nourishes the trees, the flowers, and the wildlife, and refreshes the weary hiker who comes across it.

The trail to the waterfall is moderate in difficulty, with a few steep sections, but the reward of reaching Stevens Cascade is well worth the effort. As you stand before the waterfall, you can feel the cool mist on your face and hear the soothing sound of water cascading over rock—an invitation to pause, breathe, and appreciate the wonders of nature.

Sundance Resort: A Legacy of Preservation

The Stevens Cascade Trail is just one of many natural wonders surrounding Sundance Mountain Resort. Founded by actor and environmentalist Robert Redford in 1969, Sundance Resort has become a hub for outdoor enthusiasts and nature lovers. Redford’s vision was to create a place where people could connect with the environment while preserving the natural beauty of the area. His efforts have helped maintain the pristine conditions of the resort and its surrounding trails, ensuring that future generations can continue to enjoy the wilderness.

Redford’s commitment to conservation is evident in every aspect of the resort, from the sustainable building practices to the emphasis on environmental education and the arts. Sundance isn’t just a destination for skiing or hiking—it’s a place where people are encouraged to reflect on their relationship with the natural world and to become stewards of the land.

The Wild Symphony

Throughout the seasons, the landscape of Stevens Cascade Trail changes, offering hikers a new perspective each time they visit. In spring, the meadows are alive with the soft colors of blooming wildflowers, and the trees are flush with new leaves. By summer, the sun casts golden rays across the mountains, and the wildflowers are in full bloom. Fall brings a breathtaking display of color as the aspens turn golden yellow and orange, contrasting with the deep green of the conifers. Even in winter, the trail is transformed into a peaceful wonderland of snow and ice, with the waterfall partially frozen in time.

And amidst all of this natural beauty, there’s a deep sense of reverence that one cannot help but feel. We are, after all, just visitors here. The mountains, the trees, the animals—they have been here long before us and will remain long after we’re gone. But for a brief moment, we are given the privilege of walking among them, of witnessing the raw beauty of God’s creation.

A Hike for All Time

The Stevens Cascade Trail #056 is more than just a hike—it’s an invitation to reconnect with the earth, to appreciate the complex and delicate web of life that sustains us all. As you walk this trail, you’re reminded of the ancient forces that shaped the land and the living things that call it home. Whether you’re standing before the waterfall, watching the wind ripple through the aspens, or catching a glimpse of a wild animal in the distance, you can’t help but feel a sense of gratitude.

Here, in the Wasatch Range, where mountains rise from the floor of an ancient sea and life flourishes in abundance, we are offered a glimpse into the very heart of creation. And in that moment, we are reminded of the immense privilege it is to walk this earth, if only for a short while.

Beatles Quiz: Program from Beatles concert at Carnegie Hall 1964: Spot the Error!

Auditioning for a Liberty Mutual Ad

Capitalism’s Answer to Anxiety and Depression in Today’s Society

Plaque on Park Avenue and 37th Street honoring Mary Lindley Murray, a Revolutionary War Hero who served tea to General Howe’s troops, delaying their pursuit of George Washington’s troops and saving the nation. Why don’t we drink tea honoring this beverage that saved the Union?

The first piano from 18th century Italy (Pianoforte, Bartolemeo Cristofori 1655-1731). Marked the beginning of the decline of the Harpsichord Industry.

For decades, I have harbored a profound respect for bison. From childhood encounters at the Bronx Zoo to thrilling wildlife sightings in Yellowstone National Park, I have always been captivated by their strength and resilience. However, their journey in America has been fraught with hardship. Once roaming the Great Plains in millions, their numbers dwindled to near extinction by the late 19th century due to excessive hunting and habitat loss.

Fortunately, the 20th century witnessed a concerted effort towards bison conservation, leading to their gradual resurgence. Yet, California was not typically considered part of their natural range. This is where the story of Camp Pendleton’s bison takes an unexpected turn.

In the 1970’s the San Diego Zoo partnered with Camp Pendleton to establish a breeding program with the introduction of Adam and Eve, a pair of bison. Despite the seemingly incongruous setting of a military base, this program proved immensely successful. Over the years, the herd has flourished, with over 150 bison now roaming the hills and mesas of Camp Pendleton.

Their primary habitat lies near the artillery range, offering a stark contrast to the sounds of military exercises. As a Marine soldier and fellow golfer shared, “We often have to stop shooting practice while the bison graze through the area. They have no natural predators here, except for the occasional golf ball or shell fragment.”

This observation resonated deeply. Witnessing these majestic creatures thrive under the protection of the very institutions that once played a role in their historical decline served as a powerful reminder of our evolving relationship with nature. The story of the Camp Pendleton bison serves as a beacon for hope, reminding us that even in the midst of human activity, nature can find a way to adapt and thrive.

But wait, as the years stack up like pancakes, so do the struggles at the other end of life’s conveyor belt. Enter the geriatric experience – where once-easy skills now play hide and seek with our memories. Picture me, preparing to enlighten some young medical students about the art of “falls in the elderly.” Little did I know, my own walking escapades would become the star of the show.

“Decreased proprioception,” I declaimed, feeling quite the wise sage. “Ankles that flex like uncooperative door hinges and a big toe clearance that screams ‘trip me if you dare’.” But that wasn’t the end of my aging acrobatics; oh no, there’s more. Numbness, tingling, and muscles that have taken a sabbatical joined the party, making sure my gait resembled a comedy skit more than a dignified strut.

Still, I fancied myself quite the septuagenarian athlete. Treadmill trekking, skiing (albeit a bit more ‘controlled falling’ these days), hiking, and golfing – I had a fitness arsenal that could make even a personal trainer raise an eyebrow. Then came the showdown in the Utah golfing arena. Another septuagenarian, a golfing legend in his own right, launched a golf ball into the stratosphere while mine stuttered like a reluctant rocket. My ball decided to take a scenic route through rocks and pine trees, like it was on a woodland adventure.

“Lost ball,” I mumbled in defeat, dropping another on the fairway. But behold, my fellow septuagenarian turned out to be a real-life action hero. With the agility of a mountain goat and the fearlessness of a squirrel on caffeine, he bounded up the hill, leaping over boulders and obstacles with the grace of a ballet dancer. “How do you stay so spry?” I gasped, amazed. His answer? A casual, “Oh, just thirty years on the search and rescue team in Salt Lake City.” In other words, decades of extreme skiing, hiking to the moon (or at least 10,000 feet), and kayaking through rapids that could give a roller coaster a run for its money.

Ah, let’s talk about the great divide in our mastery levels – I, the illustrious explorer of New York City sidewalks and conqueror of Florida bar stool acrobatics, and he, the daring daredevil of Wasatch Mountain’s icy slopes and altitude-extraordinaire. It’s like comparing a slightly mischievous squirrel to a high-altitude superhero with extra red blood cells for added oomph. Yes, I was grounded at sea level, while he practically lived in the clouds.

So, the big question arose – could practicing the fine art of pedestrianism in quirky situations bring back the glory days? Armed with my trusty hiking poles, I embarked on an epic quest: the Stewart Cascade Trail in Sundance, Utah. A mere 3 ½ miles, you say? A paltry 617-foot elevation gain? Well, let me regale you with tales of fallen Norway Spruce that wanted to trip me, streams that seemed to play tag with my feet, and mud that had a vendetta. Each step was a calculated gamble – like a dance with destiny. Will the limestone rock be a solid partner, can my hip flexors outsmart this tree branch’s sneak attack, should I leap like a gazelle or wade like a water buffalo through that stream?

Three hours later, I emerged – battered, not broken, weary as a sloth on a Monday morning, and feeling like a 21st-century version of Kit Carson (minus the wild frontier, plus the determination to conquer nature’s hurdles). And guess what? A few more trails later, I discovered that maneuvering stairs, sauntering on sidewalks, and even the most mundane urban escapades were suddenly a breeze. I had transformed from pavement pauper to sidewalk swashbuckler!

So here’s the grand revelation: practice, my friends, is the enchanted elixir of youth. Venture to the mountains, ponder each step like it’s a piece of a grand puzzle, and who knows? Someday you might just be the sprightly counterpart to your gravity-defying grandson. Until then, let the sidewalks tremble at the approach of your rejuvenated footsteps!

Yes, you heard that right.  Monopoly! The game where players buy and sell properties, build houses and hotels, and bankrupt each other. It’s not exactly what you would call a family bonding activity, right? But it turns out capitalism can be a social glue too.

The idea of playing Monopoly came as we sat in the living room and watched the Rocky Mountain snow pile up against the silhouette of the ski lift. Siri suggested that we look into  the digital version, and four clicks later, we had the Monopoly board streaming on the big screen. At first, I was skeptical. I mean, I had played Monopoly before, and I knew how intense it could get. But the group was game, and soon enough, we were all huddled around the monitor reading how to electronically roll the dice.

The game started off pretty innocently. We all picked our favorite game pieces (I went with the top hat, of course) and started buying properties. I delegated management to my younger son,  a real-life mergers and acquisitions attorney, who parlayed our portfolio into a few monopolies. Adrianne, my older son’s girlfriend, snagged all the railroads and piled up big time currency as we repeatedly landed on her railroad holdings. 

But things really started to heat up when my older son and his girlfriend, Adrianne, started negotiating over St. James Place. He was willing to buy it from her for $200, but she wanted to sweeten the deal. She suggested he throw in a pedicure at a spa in Miami and only then she might consider the sale of St. James Place.  Introducing a real-life aspect to the game left us all in hysterics.

As the game progressed, we all became more and more invested. We started making alliances and deals in an effort to outsmart each other. The bankruptcies started to pile up and the monocled, rich Uncle Pennybags began ruthlessly deleting the accounts of the moneyless, propertyless contestants.

 As the evening turned into a late night event only two players were still solvent: Adrianne declared victory based on a Fort Knox wad of cash and hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place and her real-life pedicure appointment already secured.  My younger son and I were not ready to concede and we await the final report from our forensic accountant. 

We all had a great time playing the game. It brought us closer together and we laughed and joked the whole time. It was a reminder that sometimes, it’s the unexpected and simple activities from days gone by that bring us together.

So, next time you’re on vacation with your family, consider breaking out the virtual Monopoly board. An old-fashioned game night might just bring you closer together. And who knows, you might even get a pedicure out of it.  It worked for Adrianne.

Twenty years later, my hitchhiking days behind me, I drove with a friend to San Francisco. With the passenger seat littered with AAA and Rand McNally maps, my navigator advised staying on I-80 as the Embarcadero came into view.  “On no!”, I muttered, as I realized I was going the wrong way on the LONG Oakland Bay Bridge toward Oakland and was doomed to pay a double toll. 

Undeterred by my past travel mistakes, my family embarked on a European vacation at the turn of the century. My spouse, a capable cartographer and blessed with a directional sense like a passenger pigeon,  assured me that we were not going to get lost. We rented a Renault in Paris, buckled up our two boys,  and set out to discover the continent.  A few miles out  I failed to translate the “sens unique” (one-way sign, not covered in High School French). Sweating profusely, I made an instantaneous U turn and avoided a vacation ending collision. We arrived in Aachen, Germany and entered a museum devoted to Charlemagne. The exhibit explanations were in German with no translation. Ich bin ein Berliner and aufedasein were the extent of our German vocabulary. We detoured to the snack bar to complete the museum experience. That evening we arrived in Strasbourg with a thimble full of gas in the tank. The next morning, I pulled into the gas station, opened the gas tank door and noticed French instruction on the inside door (words, again not covered in High School French). I filled the tank and set off to Switzerland. A few miles onto the highway, the car started to lurch and emit a high pitched moan as I was shifting my manual transmission into 2nd gear. I got off the highway into rush hour Strasbourg traffic when the car led out a cringe worthy groan and stalled. Behind our Renault were at least 50 angry French commuters yelling French words (that again were not covered in High School French class). Later that day, a mechanic, with a cigarette dangling from the corner of his lip, informed me of my error of filling up a diesel engine with regular gas. He muttered some unintelligible French sentences but my rudimentary French picked up some words (stupide: stupid, guignol: clown).

After the ordeal, we decided to recharge with French cuisine. The bill came and I calculated the tip by mentally converting dollars into Francs. I mistakenly used the wrong currency in the calculation and was off by a factor of ten. The waiter was elated by his generous tip and my wallet was a good deal lighter.  I had finished the day with a trifecta of vacation gaffes.

I am now millions of neurons lighter in the 21st century compared with my youthful self but have gained “vacation bonus IQ points” with the advent of smartphone technology. Currency converters keep tabs on the foreign exchange markets by the nanosecond.  Apple and Google Maps keep me on track and down the right one way streets. I was cruising in the Mojave Desert on I-15 last week and the app warned of an accident (truck on fire) halting all traffic for 2 hours. As the temperatures soared in the desert, I placed a  call to the California Highway Patrol.   The California Highway Patrol representative asked, “ What lane are you in?”  “The far left lane,” I answered. “Stay in that lane. We just opened up that lane 60 seconds ago and you should be good.” Seconds later, the cars started to inch forward and we made our way past the accident. It was highway nirvana. 

Language barriers have fallen. Despite English ubiquity, Google Translate helped convert German menus, German museum placards and German signs into understandable jargon.  Impractical high school French classes devoid of real life vocabulary are no longer  dangerously impactful. Choosing a restaurant no longer requires a recommendation from a fellow bus passenger.  Today, Yelp, Google and TripAdvisor have us covered wherever we go in the world. 

 In May of this year, we took a trip through Eastern Europe for almost a month without a hitch.  I relied heavily on my technology loaded Iphone, T-Mobile cell towers and an occasional friendly recommendation from an equally tech savvy European citizen.  But travels would not be travels without mishaps that many times end up being memorable happy accidents.  The proof:  many years later these are the stories my family and I speak of and write about.

I am still recovering from my Diesel Mishap but encouraged to know that fossil fuels are in the rear view mirror and electric vehicles in the future will have only one plug to choose from. 

I

We were going to the edge of civilization, as the Romans had defined it circa 2000 years ago. The Rhine and Danube were the North and Eastern boundaries of the empire, warding off the barbarians, the Goths, Vandals, Visigoths and Franks. The Franks had plundered Eastern and Western Europe, united under Charlemagne and eventually (?with the help of intermarriage and French wine) settled down in France so their ancestors could appreciate fine architecture, food and Jerry Lewis.

 The tragedies of history were retold by guides, museums and historical plaques as the craft dodged buoys and passed feudal castles. In Amsterdam, Cologne, Regensburg, Vienna, Rothenburg, Bratislava and Budapest were military monuments, holocaust memorials, mass graves, ramparts and moats, museum artifacts, artillery and ballistic impacts on stone walls that testified to perpetual war and oppression from the Middle Ages onward. The grievances are engraved in our schoolbooks: Romans v. Barbarians, Christians v. Arabs (Crusades 1-4), Protestants v. Catholics (30 Years War and others), Ottoman Empire v. “Civilized” Europe, Habsburgs v. National Uprisings in the mid nineteenth Century, Prussian Wars of the late 19th century.  The 20th century brought us World Wars I and II ending the Holy Roman and Ottoman Empires and Hitler and the Third Reich at the expense of over 60 million lives.

As we headed South and East along the Rivers, I encountered glimpses of my Jewish heritage. The Jewish Diaspora from antiquity forced migration from Western to Eastern Europe along the Rhine and Danube. Jews were  multilingual merchants, bridging the Arab and European divide and helping to create the trade routes from Asia, Africa and Europe. They were artisans in the pre-industrial world and creators of the financial world that allowed the development of city-states. Judaism financed the release of Richard the Lion Hearted of England’s release from captivity and paid for the defense of Vienna against Ottoman Invasion in the 17th century. Yet, each town’s history was marked by the same recurring theme: Jewish expulsion and persecution.

Tragedy often begets opportunity. Science, medicine and art blossomed along these European river tributaries. Booerhaave, the Dutch physician, organized hospital divisions, defined pathology and described his eponymous esophageal rupture syndrome. Dicke, an Amsterdam physician, recognized  abdominal pain and diarrhea in Dutch children reintroduced to bread following privations of World War II and described celiac disease. Down the Rhine at Erlangen, Germany, Demling and Classen devised a modified electrified wire passed through an endoscope and allowed non surgical removal of bile duct stones in a jaundiced nurse in 1973, introducing therapeutic biliary endoscopy to the world. Wilhelm Conrad Rontgen, discoverer of X rays, taught on the Mein River at Wurzburg in the late 19th century. Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalysis treatise and practice was a part of 1890’s Vienna. Laszlo Biro from Budapest, invented the ballpoint pen and freed the world from fountain pen leakage.

Music flourished along the river, providing the world with the classics from Mahler, Mozart, Beethoven and Liszt.

 History was infused in everything we saw and consumed. I ate herring in Amsterdam as the Dutch West India Company sailors did before traveling to Nieuw Amsterdam and quaffed Riesling from The Rhine Valley from Middle Age monastery vineyards. A McDonalds and statues of Ronald Reagan and George Bush in Budapest were symbols of who won the Cold War. 

The realities of the past portend the fragility of peace for the future. The murmurs from these ancient rivers give us pause to respect and cherish our freedoms. 

Retirement is the quest for one’s lost youth. My ace in the hole might be a worm hole,  which is  a celestial conduit to shrink time and space and therefore a chance to time travel back to my healthier optimistic younger self. This vision was shattered when Neil deGrasse Tyson and Stephen Hawking pronounced time travel incompatible with current physics theories. My 401K, ear marked for purchasing a used DeLorean and a Flux Capacitor for time travel, was now to be directed to other pursuits.

Plan B was a more prosaic pathway for youthful pursuits: relocate to South Florida known as the “sixth borough” of New York City. I found myself approaching the 8th decade of life in the company of nonagenarians who referred to me as “sonny” and “junior.” The airwaves were filled with promises of youthful regeneration: dental implants to restore vitality to your oral cavity, walkers that will bestow Olympic style feats to your daily regimen and skin fillers that will erase your wrinkles.

Working venues for conversation shifted from corporate boardrooms and hospital clinic corridors to the retirement social gathering places of Florida: card rooms, MahJong parlors, something called a “PickleBall court” and golf course tee boxes.  Comments from my contemporaries at the  the diners and delis now include: “remember when the subway cost 10 cents,” “do you recall John Glenn circling the earth from a black and white TV in school?” 

One day, on a typical golf tee in South Florida adjacent to an alligator filled water hazard, a taciturn man removed his tee peg from the ground and began the traditional exchange of identities to the rest of the foursome. “A retired principal and educator from the Northeast” I heard. The conversation continued as specifics of his working life seemed to get closer to the geography of my youth. The Northeast became New York City and then Queens and then Bayside. I furtively glanced at his golf bag and a name tag came into view. This was Mr. Thompson, my 7th grade science teacher! For an instant, I entered my private wormhole back to 1966. It was a school day and I was out of class without a hall monitor pass. Did I break the Erlenmeyer flask, and if so, would Mr. Thompson charge me with interest (compounding at 3% with a 56 year late fee)? Will I ever dunk a basketball and why don’t I get invited to middle school parties? The shooting pain in my back brought me back  to the 21st century and present day reality. 

Mr. Thompson had an advanced degree in chemistry, devoting his life to teaching generations of middle school science students. As we walked through the palm trees and sawgrass, he provided the details of maintaining educational excellence as principal and backstories of teachers living in the ’60’s that were ensconced in my archaic memory.

I struck my next shot and watched it splash in the H20 hazard, descending into the briny NaCl estuary and settling into the amino acid coated bottom. Mr. Thompson approved of my nomenclature which softened the grief of the lost ball. 

As the wormhole to the past closed up, I reflected on the good fortune of having dedicated and respected public school educators bestowing knowledge to a clueless adolescent.   However, the real joy of discovering your former science teacher on the golf course 56 yrs later was watching his facial expression spread with pride as I told him of his influence in guiding and preparing me for a career in medicine.   He thanked me for the closure and said the broken Erlenmeyer flask was forgiven. It was a perfect day on the golf course and I felt a definite youthful spring in my step.

My mechanical sleep alarms were left home when my family and I traveled to Southeast Asia. Off to Chiang Mai, where we met a guide and hiked through jungle terrain to the self-subsistence rice farming Karen Tribe² in Northern Thailand near the Myanmar border. After 4 hours of a grueling uphill journey, replete with mosquitoes, leeches and excessive sweat, we arrived at the encampment. My sense of accomplishment was dampened quickly when the Guide informed me, my wife and our teenage boys that the school children in the tribe make the same trip twice daily. With the livestock huddled under the stilt supported wooden abodes, our ‘farm to table’ chicken meal had a short transportation impact. Exhausted, we slept on the dirt floor in a tree house with paper thin mats.  We were fast asleep in seconds with our melatonin levels peaking from heat, food and altitude. 

The horizon was barely illuminated when a 110 decibel sound emitted from multiple moving sources around our elevated bedroom. I bolted upright, needing this noxious sound to cease to restore tranquility. Peering out the open window, I saw the parade of roosters crowing at unimaginable volume. This was no Loony Tubes Foghorn Leghorn^3. “Could the rooster’s head comb serve as a snooze button?” I was fully awake within moments with multiple thoughts racing through my head. “Could this natural alarm clock be more effective than an Apple product?”

Many circadian driven mornings have since come and gone from that fateful trip to Thailand. The kids have moved on and now reside in a different time zone. My now retired self no longer has to get up in the morning and go to work.  My wife and I find ourselves traveling from place to place. During one recent trip to Utah, I was reminded of the roosters from our Thailand expedition.  Finding refuge in the Wasatch mountains,  one morning I awoke to the cacophonous chirping of Magpies foraging in the front yard. This scene was repeated each morning. To my surprise, the Magpies packed their bellies and beaks by 1 PM each day like clockwork and were replaced by an equally vocal group of Robins. Pecking and browsing for grubs and earthworms, this group departed in the gloaming and were followed by an aquatic band of mallards, Canadian geese and the occasional surprise appearance of Wild Turkeys (not the drink but the bird).  Nature’s circadian rhythm was outside my window and all I needed to do was listen and observe.

The light is dimming as I write these words from our home in San Diego.  I cannot fight the escalating melatonin levels impacting my hypothalamus and finding my eyelids growing heavy with the urge to sleep. I search frantically for the iPhone sound effects for the Magpies and come up empty handed.  I quietly crawl into bed with a glimmer of hope and a sense of confidence that I will be awakened by the sound’s of nature emerging for the new day.  I set the iPhone to “Do not disturb.”

¹ Plastic dish-ware  popular in the 1950’s and ‘60s, manufactured by a now defunct company,  American Cyanamid Corporation.

² The Karen reside predominantly in Myanmar and Northern Thailand and are linked by a Sino-Tibetan language heritage. They have practiced crop rotation agriculture for centuries.

³ A Warner Brothers Cartoon Rooster, appearing in Looney Tunes and patterned after a fictitious bombastic Southern Senator, Beauregard Claghorn. Foghorn often strolled though the chicken coop, humming Camptown Races.

“I’d like to renegotiate my cable and internet bill” I typed earnestly. 

“I understand you want to add Hulu Plus to your service” Oliver calmly stated. 

“No, I believe my charges are excessive and I would like to change my service,” I pleaded.

 “You would like to add services to your package,” Oliver proclaimed. 

I was in a “Tower of Babel” loop! My only potential escape was to offer multiple pleas for human interaction. Finally, a human took over the chat function and perused my angst ridden communication. 

“I’m here to help, but I need to ask you a a few questions. What kind of entertainment do you like and how many devices will be on the internet?” 

Having been a veteran of prior aimless Cable Service queries, I politely asked for a reconsideration of pricing for the service. One hour had passed in my efforts already and when we were on the precipice of talking money, the chat abruptly ended. 

“You are not authorized to negotiate price on this account and you must call our Service line, goodbye.” 

The telephone queue serenaded me with easy listening tunes as empty minutes passed. A service representative interrupted my torpor, cheerfully asking how he could help. I summarized my case, explaining much lower rates for TV and internet in other areas from other providers and my desire to remain a loyal Cox Cable consumer. 

“I understand your frustration and I’m here to help you,” 

The same questions were asked— from the Cox script— eroding my patience and taxing my silent mantra. The minutes passed and ultimately, the  ‘cable to irked customer’ or ‘anger stage’ was in full force. 

“As a loyal and responsible customer, we can offer you a special rate. Doing some quick math, I calculated a $5/month reduction.” 

 Two hours into the beginning of my quest, I was as hot as the sidewalk outside my door.

 “Let me speak with your supervisor,” I insisted.  I was hoping to get to someone with authority who could respond as I moved from the anger stage into denial and bargaining.

 Calming music played in the background as I waited for the supervisor.  My managerial contact sounded like a bartender with a   marriage counseling background. I was assured that the litany of participants I had been with the past few hours were just doing their job and  I would ultimately receive fair treatment.  Nothing was going to change as the conversation proceeded and I decided to bring out the defining statement: “ I am going to cancel the service.” 

 “If you cancel your account you will need to return your 4 cable boxes.” 

“Wait,” I stammered, “I only have three TV’s and three cable boxes. I never received a fourth box and would have no use for it.” 

“We have an invoice from three years ago that we shipped you 4 cable boxes to your address and have charged you 4 cable box monthly rental fees for the past 3 years,” the manager insisted with a tone of authority.

 “This was an obvious error, I said, and I want a refund for the excess box charges for the last 3 years.’

 “Our invoice is the document we make decisions from. Cox is not   responsible for its delivery to you. If you did not receive four boxes, you should take this up with your home owner’s insurance company.”

 “So I have paid a monthly fee for 3 years for an outdated piece of technology that I never received and you are refusing to remove the charge?”

 “If you only want to pay for 3 cable boxes, you will have to return the 4th box or pay for its replacement.”

 By this time, 3 hours had elapsed since I started my ordeal.  I was clearly  moving through the depression stage. It was time to cancel and change providers. I scoured the internet for Scottsdale internet providers and regretfully found my answer. Cox had a virtual monopoly in Scottsdale. Their only competitor had a worse customer score. Checkmate, game, set and match, I thought, as I folded my cancellation strategy and sheepishly accepted the $5 dollar/month saving and agreed to pay for a ‘lost’ apocryphal cable box charge on my next bill.  Ultimately, I was now in the acceptance stage.

Could I abandon television and the internet for books?  Perhaps board games with the family and spirited discussions could be substitute entertainment? No! The pull of watching Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy in the Sonoran Desert was too strong of an urge. Maybe someday T mobile can outfit the Saguaro with cell towers and bring me QVC and C -span outside the Cox universe. In the meantime, I will contact my insurance company about that ‘lost box.’ I’m sure I’ll have better luck with them.