I took my canine blog piece this week to ChatGPT and asked to convert it into Shakespearean sonnet and then write it in the New Yorker magazine style. All of four seconds passed when I received this output. It did not “red line” my original nor summon me to the English office after school hours. After a few minutes of sadness about the state of human creativity, I realized that we are doomed to the only job in the future: pushing a button like George Jetson working for Spacely Space Sprockets. Comments welcome.
Oh, how quaint and retro I may seem,
A lover of dogs from a bygone dream.
Gravy train and kibble, an old soup bone,
A shag rug for my faux dog throne.
Lassie, dear Lassie, my model of canine grace,
Saving grandpa from that mine shaft, what a race!
Rin Tin and Airbud, oh how they shone,
Snoopy, that smug dog, his charm never gone.
But now, in the 21st century, a grandpuppy has come,
A blend of beagle, pug, and a touch of Old Yeller’s gumption.
Watching stress-reducing videos on YouTube,
Meeting rodents in the forest, the views reaching 13 million, oh how true!
His bones, oh what a vast array,
No longer just bovine, they come in every flavor and day.
Rawhide, nylon, rubber, antler, oh what a delight,
Calcium phosphate, magnesium, salt-poor, salt-rich, what a sight!
Improved mouth health, jaw strength, tartar removal, all for the taking,
Supplemental vitamins and minerals, turning a dog into a Kennel Club sensation.
A Frisbee, an old treasure, the grandpup found,
But a new one from Amazon, a Kong, we quickly found.
Durability and universal love of dogs, oh what a claim,
Over the desiccated Portuguese Man o Wars, our pup was not the least bit tame.
Doggie health insurance, oh how grand,
Medicare coverage at 65/7, that’s a plan!
But what of fame and fortune, oh what can a pup do,
Hollywood is not the only path, I never knew.
Dog entrepreneurs, with their grooming and accessories galore,
Supporting animal shelters and having patents and trademarks to adore.
Manny The Frenchie, with a non-profit and a net worth of a million,
Walter Geoffrey, with his clothing line and sass, and a rap album in the making, how thrilling!
Loki The Wolfdog, co-founder of a travel app and a movie deal with Netflix,
Tuna, the Instagram celebrity, with an overbite that always smiles, and a book deal with Penguin Random House to fix.
Opportunities are endless, for the new century pup,
With improved nutrition, emotional adjustment, and love, they can really strut.
If only our grandpup would watch that instructional video on Frisbee catching,
The next Super Bowl halftime show, he’ll be ready, dispatching.
The New Yorker Style
As a proud retro dog lover, I was content with the basics: gravy train, kibble, an old soup bone, and a shag rug for a faux dog bed. My 20th century pup had it made. Lassie was the epitome of canine responsibility (Timmy: “Lassie, grandpa fell into the abandoned mine shaft again, go get help) and Rin Tin Tin and Airbud oozed star power. And let’s not forget Snoopy, with his smug confidence radiating from the daily comics.
But my recent encounter with a 21st-century pup shattered my nostalgic bubble. Baby-sitting my grandpuppy, a 9-month-old Orlando Rescue pup, I watched in amazement as he relaxed while watching a stress-reducing YouTube video of a Labrador retriever strolling through a verdant forest meeting a variety of rodents. This channel had 13 million views, although it wasn’t clear if they were the human or canine type.
And then there was the bone aisle at Petco – a cornucopia of choices that made choosing a variant of Pinot Noirs from multiple continental terroirs seem easy. Rawhide, nylon, rubber, antler versus bovine, calcium phosphate, magnesium, salt poor and rich and anti-oxidants. Bacon and cheese flavors could be added for those picky “chewers.” The packaging touted improved mouth health, jaw strengthening, tartar removal, improved oral microbiome, fresh breath, and supplemental vitamins and minerals that could turn your dog into an American Kennel Club icon.
Our grandpup discovered an old Frisbee in the closet which he immediately bonded with. But thanks to the mass of dog owners and capitalist ingenuity, I found Kong – a natural rubberized Frisbee that had nearly 27 thousand 4 1/2/5 star reviews touting its durability and universal love of dogs for this flying disc. I ordered it on Amazon and it arrived seemingly a few hours later. Our pup was bouncing after it on the sand and over the desiccated, beached Portuguese Man o’ Wars on the South Florida shores. And with top-notch “doggie” health insurance, he had no worries about jellyfish envenomation. I couldn’t help but wonder – at what age would he be converted to Medicare coverage? 65 years? 7? The thought amused me.
But wait, there’s more. Who knew that dogs have become entrepreneurs and started their own businesses? Grooming, training, accessories, food, and treats are just a few of the products and services offered. And some dogs even have patents or trademarks for their inventions or innovations. Manny The Frenchie (@manny_the_frenchie) not only runs a non-profit organization that supports animal shelters but also has a net worth of $1 million. Walter Geoffrey (@waltergeoffreythefrenchie) sells his own line of clothing and accessories that feature his signature sass and has a rap album coming out soon. And Loki The Wolfdog (@loki) co-founded a travel app called Loki The Wolfdog that lets you explore the world with your furry friend and has a movie deal with Netflix. Dog influencers populate the internet and often have more subscribers than humans. Tuna (@tunameltsmyheart), an Instagram celebrity, has a distinctive overbite that makes him look like he’s always smiling and also has a book deal with Penguin Random House.
So the opportunities are endless for the modern-day pooch. With improved nutrition, better emotional adjustment, and plenty of love, our grandpup can be the best dog he can be. If only I can get him to watch the YouTube instructional video on Frisbee.