An open application to Georgetown Rowing, submitted from a highly qualified bench near the Potomac
There comes a time in every retired physician’s life when he must ask himself the big questions:
Have I contributed enough to society?
Have I learned enough about the human condition?
Can I still yell at young people in a constructive manner while sitting down?
That last question, I believe, points me toward my next great calling: coxswain.
For the uninitiated, the coxswain is the small but mighty field general of a rowing shell. While the rowers provide muscle, sweat, blisters, and the faint aroma of wet Lycra, the coxswain provides direction, rhythm, motivation, steering, and what my family would describe as “a socially sanctioned opportunity to be bossy.”
In other words: I was born for this.
I am retired, which means I possess the most important qualification of all: availability. I am also increasingly immobile, which in ordinary life might be considered a limitation. But in rowing, the coxswain is not expected to row. He sits. He observes. He commands. At last, a sport has emerged that rewards my current athletic profile.
I spend time down by the Potomac, watching Georgetown students glide across the water with youth, discipline, and suspiciously healthy knees. I admire them. They are bright, strong, and purposeful. I would like to help. More specifically, I would like to sit in the stern of their boat with a bullhorn and improve morale through a combination of nautical insight, grandfatherly encouragement, and mild cardiology-level urgency.
My recent piano studies would also make me invaluable. Rowing, like music, depends on tempo. Too fast and the boat becomes chaos. Too slow and everyone looks like they are commuting to Rosslyn. I am learning rhythm, timing, and the spiritual power of repetition. I can already envision myself chanting:
“Row, row, row… gently? No. Firmly. Together. On my count. Again. No, not like that.”
The classic song Row, Row, Row Your Boat has been criminally underused as a training tool. With enough metronomic precision, I could transform it from nursery rhyme to aquatic battle hymn. Imagine eight Georgetown athletes, blades flashing, shell surging forward, while I maintain perfect tempo like Leonard Bernstein in a life vest.
I also like bullhorns. This is not incidental. Some men collect watches. Some collect golf clubs. I appreciate amplification. A bullhorn gives the retired man what Medicare does not: projection. I could deliver crisp, actionable commands across the Potomac with the confidence of a man who has spent decades telling patients to avoid seeds, nuts, alcohol, red meat, stress, and Google.
My medical background would be a bonus. Should a rower complain of abdominal pain, I could immediately distinguish between appendicitis, gas, overtraining, and “you’re 19, keep rowing.” If someone develops blisters, I can offer empathy. If someone becomes short of breath, I can say, “Excellent, that means you are exercising.”
I would also bring maturity. Many coxswains motivate with youthful intensity. I would bring something different: historical perspective. During a race, while other boats shout “Power ten!” I might call:
“Remember the Peloponnesian War!”
“Think of Washington crossing the Delaware!”
“Imagine your tuition bill chasing you!”
That sort of thing stays with a crew.
And yes, I am still looking to earn a university letter. Some men letter in football. Some in baseball. I am proposing a new category: Distinguished Late-Life Coxswain Emeritus. I would accept a sweater, a blazer patch, or frankly even a laminated certificate. I am not proud. I am, however, very available for ceremonies.
The photograph of the rowers says it all. There they are, powerful and synchronized, cutting across the Potomac with purpose. And there I am, not pictured, standing nearby thinking: “Those boys need rhythm, wisdom, and possibly a retired gastroenterologist with a megaphone.”
So, Georgetown, consider this my formal application.
I can sit.
I can shout.
I can count to eight.
I am learning piano.
I like your students.
I own comfortable shoes.
And I promise never to confuse port and starboard more than twice per outing.
Put me in the boat.
Or at least give me a bullhorn and a letter sweater.